Father's Day

I don't think as a child I ever counted how many Father's Days I would get with my dad. Thankfully it never crossed my mind. I happily made home made cards, brought him his coffee and attempted to make breakfast before he got out of bed. As I got older I began to buy him his cologne or a CD. It got harder and harder trying to figure out what to buy the man who had everything. As the years went on and life got busy and now I had my husband's father, it became sometimes stressful trying to celebrate each dad on just one day.  Thankfully for my husband and I, we had father's who were easily celebrated every day of the year. We had relationships that happened each and every day. So as my husband soon became a father, it wasn't such a big deal to schedule a lunch or dinner on a different day with our own dads as our children began the traditions of breakfast in bed, home made cards and cologne purchases. Father's day, like so many other holidays, can become a day of stress and worry trying to fit all the celebrations in. And like most fathers, mine would brush off the worry of it all with a non-nonchalant attitude. He knows how much he means to us and he felt loved and celebrated every day.

Lucky us, Lucky him.

My brother's and I truly hit the "dad" gold-mine when we were blessed with Patrick Morris. I mean I had a close call with a man that biologically could call me his own, but he never did and wasted a lot of what could of been "dad time" on pleasures of this world, easily forgetting he had a daughter somewhere. And you know what? I am so thankful for that. I wouldn't have wanted to share one Father's Day with anyone other than "my Dad", the man who has loved me from the moment he met my mother and I. I never counted down the Father's Days with my dad because I always just expected to have them. They could never run out, these special days celebrating the guy who taught me to ride a bike, ride a horse, drive a truck, work hard and how to love a man who loved me back unconditionally.
But today it's different, way to early in my life and his, we are counting special days. Holding on to the memories we are making and holding back the hands of time with all our might. It's not fair to have to count down holidays and wonder what next year will look like. Will he be here? Will I have one less dad to buy a card for or pick out a gift to give. Will the pain of loss overwhelm any desire to rise out of bed on this special holiday. I dread the feeling of pain that will be my own for a lifetime without my dad. This year there have been a lot of posts on social media reaching out to the fatherless. I don't want to be in that group, but I suppose as adults we all join the ranks of losing a parent. It's supposed to be expected and accepted. I still feel jipped.
My dad and I share a past, a history of having a biological dad who was an addict and a "real father" who adopted us as their own. He lost both those men too. Each carries a weight on your soul, a grief that you truly are fatherless. One is a loss of a connection to who you are, a part of your make-up and the physical person that connects you to this planet. The other loss is one of the deepest grief, a loss of the truest sense of acceptance and love that made you into the person you are. A part of your actual person the part that all of your decision making stems from, where all your reactions and point of reference that make you say and do and love.

Today, I still have my dad. And I'm thankful for each moment that this world gets to have him. I hate the thought of counting down holidays and frankly I don't know that we should if even if we know that the future holds grief. In the big giant, world that I believe God is in and created and made me a forever daughter of the king. You know, that world? I'm never fatherless and I have eternity to enjoy the perfection of these relationships forever. It's just I'm not quite "God-aware" enough to stay in that place of hope all the time. Because, I'm still that little girl that thinks my dad can beat up Rocky Balboa and can save me from anything, even heart break.

I love you dad! You will forever be, my first love

SAHMs eat Bon Bons - 10 things I find true for Stay At Home Moms

Stay At Home Mom's Eat Bon Bons and do other stuff Count Down: 

10 things that are very true for SAHMs

1. My job is so amazing it's hard to choose just one job description when filling out important paperwork.
     A. House Wife
     B. Stay At home Mom
     C. Domestic Goddess
     D. Household CEO
Either way it's a bit difficult and would take me an entire page to fill out my job duties, it would be so much easier to just put: Doctor or Architect. So when I'm in a mood I usually put option C.

2. One of of my favorite questions someone can ask me is , "What do you do all day?"
After the urge to slap the smug smile that comes after it passes, I usually laugh and reply, "I sit on the couch and eat bon bons while my children harmoniously sing and dance their way through there chores and school work. Meanwhile the housekeeper and the cook are kept very busy".

Followed by the second worse questions is "Your just a mom?".

Yep, five times and every day of the week! And then I might flash a good picture that was taken on a good hair day wearing spanks and push up bra, using Photoshop and reply, "Oh this old thing?"


3. My Office

And it gets messy...like melted crayon stuck to your new shorts, rotted apple core, stinky 25 pairs of shoes disgusting. And I have an office staff that begrudgingly, half way, clean it up...For. Free. Don't be jelly.

4. I have interns.

Yep. They learn from me. They also mimic me and they are so impressed with me, that when I yell, or dance crazy, or we eat take out for a week, or I forget their in the car and start talking to myself (out loud).... they tell the neighbors, the check out person at Target and my Mother in Law every. single.detail. Ya, unpaid interns are an overrated perk of this job.

5. My co-worker's take naps and get a lot of breaks. This was not explained to me when I took this position. I get to look longingly at their peaceful time of rest and although I have the freedom to join them, by some unnatural phenomenon I'd be instantly filled with guilt as soon as I laid down to take my own nap and this looming list of To-Do's would fill my mind.

6. I have too much help. This is a phrase I never thought could be thought, let alone said aloud. How could anyone have too much help? It's as if my whole life I have wanted someone to help me out when I had a lot to do. UNTIL NOW! All I can think is please, don't help me anymore! I want my little helpers to go outside and play and I will do all the work BY.MY.SELF. I know its' a difficult concept to grasp. But trust me, you'll be feeding the kids bon bons outside on a little table you handcrafted before they were born. While you quietly and ferociously power clean for the few precious minutes they are preoccupied.

7. I get to stay up late, even all night.

If this is what you've imagined... You may want to stop reading now.

Because this is the unfiltered version: I am a party animal. And when I say animal I mean crazy haired, dark eyed, growling and yelping as I trip over the toys to get to the kitchen. Yes, my night life has become and continues to be mysterious. I never know if I'll sleep or not. I mean the suspense just about kills me. 

8. I have a lot of time to get things done. I mean I'm home all day right?

Pictures don't lie...I get stuff done.

And they do too! They're just better at it than me

9. If I stay at home I'll get to see my friends a lot.
True...it's just your friends are little people, who are loud, and like to hug and kiss you, and you love more than yourself. They really are the very best friends you'll ever have.
Oh..and the friends who aren't living with you. You'd just better be sure, their little people like your l little people or you might have to find new friends. Just keep'in it real.

And finally, My very last Stay At Home Mom's Eat Bon Bons all day count down....

10. It's the very best, thankless, hardest job you'll ever have.
So do it your way, with you'r own style and flair.
Don't do it like anyone else.
And be proud of your developing multiple personality disorder...you'll need a different personality and parenting style for each child you have!

For Privacy's sake..I've been cheating on my blog

It's been a long, twisted, sad road this year. May is already rounding out and I haven't gotten past the loss we had in February or the blow that my dad has cancer. My thoughts have been thus that I have been keeping a journal, privately writing my thoughts and pasting in verses and pictures like a 12 year old girl. It's painful to look back and read these passages, see my pain on paper. Read the thoughts that have raged within my soul. Time passes so quickly and the world continues to move so quickly around you, even when life stops. I've been going through the motions of life and yet my mind has been firmly established in grief. Grief is a funny thing. It opens your eyes to many things that seem trivial and so many things that are the foundation of your very existence. I've learned how to Zentangle, I've followed 10 new people on Instagram and started painting again. It's amazing what we do to occupy our minds when they threaten to pull us under. I've created 3 new stations on Pandora, cult-followed 3 full seasons of a new show on TV, bought new school curriculum, planned a memorial service and have been more needy to my friends than I ever thought possible. And yet, in January I prayed for a word and a verse. Something that would get me through a year that had a foreshadowing of pain. I've met each morning, with coffee in hand, my friend Jesus. I ask and He answered.
Quiet...
That was my word. According to my journal it was January 19th. One month before, almost to the day that I lost my sister, Michelle Mason. I didn't understand the word, but I am thankful for it. It has been hard to remain quiet these past few months and I have not always followed this advice. But it is always in the back of my mind and in the forefront of my decisions. I've also been asking for a verse, one that will carry me through the year and one that I use for Christmas time.

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope come from Him. he alone is my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken - Psalms 62:5-6

In Quietness and confidence will be my strength - Isaiah 30:15

Big words for little ol me. Thankful I don't have to do this on my own.

Today I'm facing the greatest battle I've known. Watching my dad battle Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, when the treatments will stop working. I can hardly bear it. And some days, like today it's so overwhelming I can't focus on the life in front of me. 

I'm not sure how to derive strength...