Father's Day

I don't think as a child I ever counted how many Father's Days I would get with my dad. Thankfully it never crossed my mind. I happily made home made cards, brought him his coffee and attempted to make breakfast before he got out of bed. As I got older I began to buy him his cologne or a CD. It got harder and harder trying to figure out what to buy the man who had everything. As the years went on and life got busy and now I had my husband's father, it became sometimes stressful trying to celebrate each dad on just one day.  Thankfully for my husband and I, we had father's who were easily celebrated every day of the year. We had relationships that happened each and every day. So as my husband soon became a father, it wasn't such a big deal to schedule a lunch or dinner on a different day with our own dads as our children began the traditions of breakfast in bed, home made cards and cologne purchases. Father's day, like so many other holidays, can become a day of stress and worry trying to fit all the celebrations in. And like most fathers, mine would brush off the worry of it all with a non-nonchalant attitude. He knows how much he means to us and he felt loved and celebrated every day.

Lucky us, Lucky him.

My brother's and I truly hit the "dad" gold-mine when we were blessed with Patrick Morris. I mean I had a close call with a man that biologically could call me his own, but he never did and wasted a lot of what could of been "dad time" on pleasures of this world, easily forgetting he had a daughter somewhere. And you know what? I am so thankful for that. I wouldn't have wanted to share one Father's Day with anyone other than "my Dad", the man who has loved me from the moment he met my mother and I. I never counted down the Father's Days with my dad because I always just expected to have them. They could never run out, these special days celebrating the guy who taught me to ride a bike, ride a horse, drive a truck, work hard and how to love a man who loved me back unconditionally.
But today it's different, way to early in my life and his, we are counting special days. Holding on to the memories we are making and holding back the hands of time with all our might. It's not fair to have to count down holidays and wonder what next year will look like. Will he be here? Will I have one less dad to buy a card for or pick out a gift to give. Will the pain of loss overwhelm any desire to rise out of bed on this special holiday. I dread the feeling of pain that will be my own for a lifetime without my dad. This year there have been a lot of posts on social media reaching out to the fatherless. I don't want to be in that group, but I suppose as adults we all join the ranks of losing a parent. It's supposed to be expected and accepted. I still feel jipped.
My dad and I share a past, a history of having a biological dad who was an addict and a "real father" who adopted us as their own. He lost both those men too. Each carries a weight on your soul, a grief that you truly are fatherless. One is a loss of a connection to who you are, a part of your make-up and the physical person that connects you to this planet. The other loss is one of the deepest grief, a loss of the truest sense of acceptance and love that made you into the person you are. A part of your actual person the part that all of your decision making stems from, where all your reactions and point of reference that make you say and do and love.

Today, I still have my dad. And I'm thankful for each moment that this world gets to have him. I hate the thought of counting down holidays and frankly I don't know that we should if even if we know that the future holds grief. In the big giant, world that I believe God is in and created and made me a forever daughter of the king. You know, that world? I'm never fatherless and I have eternity to enjoy the perfection of these relationships forever. It's just I'm not quite "God-aware" enough to stay in that place of hope all the time. Because, I'm still that little girl that thinks my dad can beat up Rocky Balboa and can save me from anything, even heart break.

I love you dad! You will forever be, my first love