Highlighting even the hard days

School could've looked like this for some of you. .. I mean this is cute, right? We look like professional Handwriting Without Tears students. This could go on their website. 

And this looks like we do a lot of nature hikes!

 She looks smart, right??

 She's a multi-tasker

 Look at how cute, it's like those magazines, where everyone is learning in nature and no one has to do fractions, because fractions don't make pretty pictures...

 Yep, you know where this is going...

 Yep, right here. It's just best I stay right here. Homeschooling is hard. My kids are not as smart as I thought they'd be. And it's my fault for drinking soda instead of taking pre-natal vitamins.

 Ok, back to what today could have been. But I'm tired, I'm hormonal and it's winter. Winter means less sunshine and no summer break.

 Right!?!? And well life is not always as sunny as I'd like it to be.

 One time I re-made the fabric teepee, and then my cute dog ate it.

 I'm not as calm as I appear, but I put on clothes and made the best of it. So here is to all those amazing blogs out there that make everything look so pretty. I'm hear to say that today and probably last week, weren't super blog worthy.

  

I lied, my kids are smarter then me. That's really the problem.

So here is to the stay in bed, can't get it done, feel like it will never be better kinda days. It's not all supposed to be blog worthy and pretty. It's gritty and I say things like "Don't put that in the toilet", "where is your other shoe", "shower, you stink", "How could you lose your toothbrush for a week?" and so on and so forth many, many times a day. Well here is hoping tomorrow is more productive!

We are all a mess...I promise

When you were pregnant with your first child did you ever dream about how amazing they would be?
Silly question, I know.
But I'm pretty sure we all thought that the combination our amazing "soon-to-be-tried-out" parenting pros of "I will never do that with my kid" expertise and the perfect genetic combinations that was mixing in our womb, our first born would be AHmazing and exactly what the world needed. Ok, I'm exaggerating...kinda. And then they were born and they were perfect in every way and any thing that may have been funny looking (and there was) was ignored and adored in every way possible. And for like the 2 days in the hospital with the undivided attention of professional staff and food delivery service, we were in fact, perfect parents.
And the digressing of our parenting skills, patience and the perfection of our babies slowly faded into the reality of what we call the HARDEST JOB on planet earth threatens to succumb us. We slowly realize that Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest and all the pretties at church make us feel like complete failures. How do other people do it so well, make it look so easy, so pretty?
They don't.
We all suck...I mean we all are in the same place.
And you don't figure that out until you have a long coffee date alone, without kids , and bare your soul as to how hard this job really is. And how we all thought we'd be better.
The best thing I ever did was surround myself with honest people and laugh at the perfect pictures on my social media feed, realizing their homes too, were pilling up behind the perfectly painted doors and handmade goodies on their tables. Because I knew too well that I posted all the pretty pictures too. That I was just as guilty as getting up at the crack of dawn on a Sunday morning to prepare for the day ahead so I didn't look a day behind.
I've not figured out the secret to a non-comparison life, but I've had 14 years to work through a lot of it, and have found myself embracing the beauty of my own chaos. Excepting my failures with grace and attempting my own version of awesome.

Homeschooling has added it's own level of try and fail moments. I've had years of melt downs and semesters of greatness, to then be told by my child that they'd figured out how to cheat through math for that entire  "great' semester.  And yet, the pull on my heart and soul to continue has gotten me through another year. And then there are these win moments, these precious times when my child learns to read, or do long division, masters the art of writing an essay. And I know that I played a part in that beautiful moment. It helps to have those times when I can pat myself on the back and pretend that somehow I made that happen. But the reality is, if I made that happen I made the hard stuff happen too, right? Nope, I'm not the author here. And I know this because I have kids who have learning disabilities and struggles that just aren't fair in my perfect world. I didn't author that either, because in my world everyone is perfect. But the author of the universe, He knows. He knew that one of my kids would struggle to read until the 2nd grade and then finish all 7 Harry Potter books in 3 months, He knew that two of my children wouldn't ever read maybe past the 5th grade and He also knew that that little punk (I mean my perfect child) would cheat all the way through a semester. And He knew that each one of them in their own way, was in fact His perfect creation, given the struggle that in time developed into this amazing grown up person. He authored me to be their mamma and gave me a way to have a perfect love for each of them(thank you divine intervention and those Fruits of the Spirit).

SO fail on mammas, teachers, wives, sisters... This job is the very hardest and THE MOST IMPORTANT one you'll ever do. And you get to allow the author of all, to do His perfect work in you and your children.

Give grace to those around you, we're all full of mistakes and piles of laundry shoved under the bed. It just looks better on other people because our lenses are so clouded with our own silly expectations.

Ephesians 2:10New Living Translation (NLT)
¹⁰ For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

School on break...and teenager angst

 Oh the leaves! Oh the trees! Finding the fun outdoors has been our favorite this year.

 Having 4 seasons, turns out, is the best ever!

 Since our big move we have been getting back to a simpler homeschool style. I've always leaned towards, note booking, lap books and nature journals. However, this year I was panicked when I started planning for my 8/9th grader. Preparing for High School transcripts changes the easy going style I've always embraced. Thankfully, my oldest has an easy time of learning and has handled tests, deadlines and heavier workloads with ease. Not excitement, but at least ease. So although he is carrying a heavier day of online co-ops and high school credits, I'm still able to integrate the things we love into his day. Like nature journaling, art and out loud reading.

 We are currently on break and although my oldest finds joy in sleeping in and getting more time on the computer and late night TV (teens), my younger kiddos are still finding just as much fun outdoors.  And although I question myself on a daily basis and hope I'm doing enough, I am staying the course and encouraging a more natural learning environment for them. A slower pace...

And what happened on break, when we aren't doing school? The kids found something amazing outdoors and ran to get their journals. They spent the day exploring the recently drained irrigation ditch that had been underwater the entire summer . In the mud, they found animal prints and crawfish, seashells and shiny rocks. pictures were drawn, treasures were found and a day was spent learning.

I'm still trying to figure out how to get my teenager motivated...Minecraft is school right?

take time to look back, the future looks brighter

It's cold and dark this morning. 38 degrees, which is warmer than it has been, but dark so it feels like its 5am, when really it's already 7:30. Later mornings are less productive for me but I enjoy the quiet before the chaos so much that I sneak around the house to not let anyone wake up for as long as they'll let me. Quietly drinking coffee by my little space heater that looks like a fireplace, snuggled under a warm blanket, the dog sleeping at my feet. It reminds me of when I was a little girl and I'd wake up early to find my mom or dad doing the same. It was my favorite time to snuggle up and lay quietly while they finished their coffee and reading time. I find that these days, there are so many memories of my childhood that pop up, I wonder if it's because I am recreating all those memories for my children and I'm now the same age my mom was, so my recollection of this part of my childhood is so clear. Raising 2 more children than my parents and all very close in age, makes my job very different than my mothers. I have 2 brothers and we're all 6 years apart, her time with us was more spread out and she was able to really dive into the individual needs of each of us. I hope in doing life so differently I'm also able to dive into each one of my children the way she did. I already know that in many ways, I'm spread much thinner. But I do my best and hopefully, like me at 38 (almost 39), they will be looking back on how hard I tried and appreciate me even in my failures. Just this morning after a terrible night's sleep, I woke up to start my day ready for the challenges I might face. This world is spinning quickly and my children are quickly growing into taller people with opinions and dreams of their own. I'm having these moments where I se myself with my heels dug in, pulling at their shirt tails. And then other moments when I'm so thankful I can just tell them to go take a shower and go to bed and I can sit on the couch an watch them follow through with the directions I've given them and not have to get up once to help them. There's a sense of satisfaction in the ability to sit back and watch the beauty of what we've taught come to fruition in our children. Even in the small ways it feels like accomplishment...and as a stay at home mom, accomplishment is as fleeting as thinking you've ever got caught up on the laundry.

I'm reading a book called Simply Tuesday by Emily Freeman and I've joined this group called Wild and Free. They are both designed around a simpler living, a retrograded lifestyle and slightly antiquated in comparison to the fast moving pace of society. This entire year and half since losing my dad has prompted this slower pace. I've always been drawn to a pioneer adventurer lifestyle, creating life where you can live off the land and find adventure in the wilderness. I was raised this way and still crave the freedom I feel when faced with wide open spaces. City living was always a temporary life for me, I found a place there and loved the elements of social business and simple conveniences, but my heart always new that open patches of dirt and rarely traveled paths were waiting for me. And now, after 6 years of wandering in my own dessert of unknowns I feel like I'm home. In a rural setting I know how to live, I know how to fill my time, I know how to homeschool. I have the resources to do the things I know. I was such a country mouse as a child and my dad was such a homebody, before I was 15 I didn't know how to use a city cross walk. I'd ridden my horse all day and crossed miles of ground, and could probably survive in the Arizona dessert for a couple of days, but don't send to me ride a city bus. I've still never done it. So here I am back to where I feel I belong. It looks different than what I thought, but God's plans always seem to differ from mine. (thankfully) The move has settled me, slowed my manic-grief, paced my busy nature and given me a place to make my own.

Living in transition is a hard place to settle in, since our move from New River 6 years ago, was hard. The place we called home was never our own. We rented in North Carolina, we moved after only 6 months, we lived with my parents, we rented my brother's home for five years. It sounds like a disaster, doesn't it? It could have been, but it wasn't. God found me there too. Kicking and screaming, he found me. He had to take some things first, our comfortable little ranch, our money, our extended family, my husband's anger and frustration and then our religion and the HE gave us Himself. It was the most beautifully painful transition I've ever known. And in it He gave us, our fifth child, a beautiful baby girl, 6 months living on the beaches of North Carolina with some of our best friends, 6 months of sweet time with my parents, time I will always cherish with my dad. A home on the corner of a busy city street where just 5 to 10 minutes away lived every home schooling family I could ever love and want to spend 5 years growing our children with. See, God didn't answer my prayers the way I wanted. He did better. I just kicked and screamed and cried about it a lot. Because I was too small to see the big picture.

In my smallness, I found out God is who he says He is, not who I said He was.

I found out God is who He says He is, not what other people say He is.

I found out God loves me.

This mountain just makes me happy to wake up in the mornings.

The art of making pies has been passed down from my mamma. We love to do it and frankly, I think we do a pretty good job of it. But my favorite part is not the actual eating it, although that's quite a pay off, it's the art of making it with people I love.

 Seeing these little hands shape the edges of the pie crust,

 Rolling the dough so it's not too thick and not too thin,

 Blending each ingredient so the crust is just right, dry and not wet and gooey,

 And giggling. Mostly, we like the laughter that fills the kitchen...and oh the smells of cinnamon!

Each and every year, we come together and bake and create together.

I wish life could be pie making day, every day. Or pie eating day....hmm maybe both days on a loop.

Either way, I had to document this special tradition that is part of who we are.

And what has created the "foodie" in me.

Apparently I'm what you'd call a foodie. Mostly sweets, but I can also appreciate the meat and potatoes of a meal. My sister in law, who is also a foodie, told me once she loved movies and books about food. I didn't realize this was a thing, but in fact its like the best thing. Ever. Last year about this time, I was desperate for some mindless entertainment, mind numbing distraction from the grief and loss of losing my best friend and my dad. Baking became this thing I did with my hands and reading anything deep or meaningful was totally out of the question. So, I found books that were written about food. Not only cookbooks written by interesting people, but fictional characters who owned bakeries and solved mysteries while enjoying chocolate ganache frosted cupcakes. And as ridiculous as this sounds when I say it out loud, the more I want to re-read the Christmas novels I read last year! Apparently I'm not the only one, there are a million and 1 Christmas bakery books to choose from. But Christmas in Good Hope by Cindy Kirk was one of my favorites!

The light parade down main street tonight.

TV and Movies just for the holidays and Food!

Gilmore Girls
Chocolat
Julie and Julia
When Harry Met Sally (I'll have what she's having) ;)
Fried Green Tomatoes