It's been a long, twisted, sad road this year. May is already rounding out and I haven't gotten past the loss we had in February or the blow that my dad has cancer. My thoughts have been thus that I have been keeping a journal, privately writing my thoughts and pasting in verses and pictures like a 12 year old girl. It's painful to look back and read these passages, see my pain on paper. Read the thoughts that have raged within my soul. Time passes so quickly and the world continues to move so quickly around you, even when life stops. I've been going through the motions of life and yet my mind has been firmly established in grief. Grief is a funny thing. It opens your eyes to many things that seem trivial and so many things that are the foundation of your very existence. I've learned how to Zentangle, I've followed 10 new people on Instagram and started painting again. It's amazing what we do to occupy our minds when they threaten to pull us under. I've created 3 new stations on Pandora, cult-followed 3 full seasons of a new show on TV, bought new school curriculum, planned a memorial service and have been more needy to my friends than I ever thought possible. And yet, in January I prayed for a word and a verse. Something that would get me through a year that had a foreshadowing of pain. I've met each morning, with coffee in hand, my friend Jesus. I ask and He answered.
Quiet...
That was my word. According to my journal it was January 19th. One month before, almost to the day that I lost my sister, Michelle Mason. I didn't understand the word, but I am thankful for it. It has been hard to remain quiet these past few months and I have not always followed this advice. But it is always in the back of my mind and in the forefront of my decisions. I've also been asking for a verse, one that will carry me through the year and one that I use for Christmas time.
Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope come from Him. he alone is my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken - Psalms 62:5-6
In Quietness and confidence will be my strength - Isaiah 30:15
Big words for little ol me. Thankful I don't have to do this on my own.
Today I'm facing the greatest battle I've known. Watching my dad battle Acute Myeloid Leukemia. Constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop, when the treatments will stop working. I can hardly bear it. And some days, like today it's so overwhelming I can't focus on the life in front of me.
I'm not sure how to derive strength...
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